Horror on the Hill: Wherein I declare my bloodfeud with Imagine Magazine

The horror!

A few days ago I got a call from Dread Rosgool, Associate Vice Deputy Director of Blogging Operations at DiceChucker Enterprises. Dread Ros had this to say:

Dread Rosgool: Your position with DiceChucker Enterprises is dependent on content, and you're just not producing. The Board wants your ass fired last week but I've convinced them to give you 48 hours to come up with something. If you don't, they'll replace you with a friggin' bot from ChatGPT. 

Me:        Oh, that might be interesting. 

Dread:   And they'll cut off your subscription to--

Me:       I only read it for the articles!

Dread:   --the Cheese of the Month Club.

Me:       Oh, that. Heheh...

Dread:   Moving on. As you've specialized in obsessing over dead modules from the 80s--

Me:       Hommlet came out in the 70s.

Dread:   Shut up and let me finish--

Me:       Just saying, so that the pedants don't get after us.

Dread:   As if the pedants are still reading the dessicated corpse of your blog? Anyway, why don't you take a crack at B5 Horror on the Hill.

B5 Horror on the Hill--by our old friend Douglas Niles of Reptile God fame--was published in 1983. By this time TSR had gotten over it's awkward pubescence; the acne had cleared up, voice had settled down, and they'd traded in their 70s bell bottoms and Fonz t-shirts for 80s polo shirts and dockers. [EDIT: I've since learned that the Dockers brand was not introduced until 1986; what were we calling the trousers worn by douchebags in 1983?] Reflecting the new fashions, this is the first "B" module to feature TSR's new "trade dress" characterised by the dragon ampersand logo still in use today and removal of the list of other D&D products on the back cover. 

Here's the setup to the adventure: your [level 1-3] PCs are chillin' at a river outpost named "Guido's Fort" which is dominated by an ominous, smoke-spewing hill across the river. Sadly--and this is likely the reason that no one ever cared about this module--we don't learn much about Guido's Fort other than it's got an inn named the "Lion's Den" wherein can be found an "Old Timer" which is not, as one might suppose, a venerable clock but rather an elderly NPC.

Side note: the wikipedia page for Horror on the Hill mentions a review from Imagine magazine which praises the lack of detail of Guido's Fort as a positive feature because "it can be easily incorporated into an existing campaign." To which I say to the chowderheads at Imagine: how many people decided that they couldn't run the Keep on the Borderlands because it was too difficult to incorporate such a detailed keep into their campaign?

Anyway, the "Old Timer" is willing to share--at the rate of one rumor per beer consumed--his knowledge about The eponymous Hill across the river. Let's take a minute to discuss the river. It's called the River Shrill, as in high pitched, piercing; one expects a fast running, boulder strewn, cacophonous confluence, right? But this River Shrill is a mile freakin' wide--Shrill indeed, this is a subsonic bass drum of a waterway! 

Side note to the dullards at Imagine: wouldn't it be rather difficult to squeeze this module into your existing campaign if you don't have any mile-freakin'-wide rivers in it?

And just as a visual reference, I did a non-comprehensive survey of rivers of North America and came up with 3 that are  ~1 mile wide for a significant stretch: the Hudson south of the Tappan Zee, the St. Lawrence downstream of the Thousand Islands to ~the Ogdensburg-Prescott Bridge, and the Columbia for a stretch where it forms the WA-OR border east of the Cascade Mtns. Those of you who live near one of these reaches can run out and have a look.

Rosgool's reason for choosing this particular old-timey module was that it hasn't garnered much attention in the digital age. After reading it, I can understand why. It's not that this modge is a turkey, it's just sort of ... fine. It's got a significant hexcrawl component followed by a dungeon exploration through an abandoned monastery dedicated to a demon god. Pretty standard fare, it exudes the competent blandness of Mentzer era D&D. It lacks a plot--unusual for a Niles module--and also fails to provide a significant town component, which could have been its saving grace. Which is why I've given up on this project and decided to review a different Douglas Niles work that does include a town: X3 Curse of Xanathon.

The Rogue Class

As a person who is old enough to remember life before The Simpsons, I am contractually obligated to loathe all post-TSR versions of D&D. Thankfully, the Gizzards of the Roast have made that easy to do for one very specific reason: they changed the Thief class into the "Rogue" class. 

If you're new around here and want to read up on the antipathy all sensible people should  I hold for this choice, click this link. If you don't want to read all that tripe, it boils down to this: rogue is a disposition, not a character class.

That said, "rogues" have been a part of Big D for a long time now and there are entire generations of upstanding nerds who have only known the sneaktastic, lockpicking, wall-climbing class by the name "rogue." They don't see rogue for the bowdlerization that it is. They don't realize that the name "rogue" was genetically fused onto the once-lovable thief class by cross pollinating an embittered, castrated wallaby with a 3 month old tuna sandwich. It's no wonder that rogues in 5e have lost the ability to climb walls and backstab.

"Leave me out of this!"

In an effort to educate these youthful, innocent D&D folk who know not the sneakery of the thief but only the pretentiousness of the rogue, I have developed a character class more in keeping with the title "Rogue."

Rogue Character Class

Solipsistic to the extreme, rogues believe themselves to be misunderstood by everyone and, should you accidentally make eye contact with one, will remind you of this fact volubly. They excel at irritating friend and foe alike and can be counted on only to do what's not expected of them. They are a cancer on adventuring parties everywhere. 

Rogues can perform the following abilities:

Rogue abilities

Chide in Shadows (or elsewhere): Thru insults and antagonistic behavior, a Rogue can make anyone within 30' of them less effective at whatever it is they are trying to achieve. Be it combat, spellcasting, or scoring with the hottie at the tavern, the annoying babble of the Rogue will ruin your chance of success. On a successful Chide roll, the target is -1 for every level of the offending rogue who is antagonizing them.

Move Stridently: Rogues need you to know just how little they care what you think of them. As such, on a successful Move Stridently roll, they move about like a peacock on parade, demonstrating complete disdain for the situation they are in. All sentient beings within 60' must save vs. Irritation or spend their action for the round rolling their eyes in disdain. 

Scoff at traps: Did I mention that rogues do not give a crap? Well, they don't. They're guaranteed to scoff at danger, including whatever traps, real or supposed, might be associated with that treasure chest you've just found. On a successful Scoff roll, the trap has triggered but somehow--and much to the disappointment of everyone--has not affected the rogue.

Ignore Noise: What? You have an opinion on a matter? Rogues don't care! They're rogues; they don't think like you, act like you, or, least of all, dress like you. When offered sound advice, a reasonable plan, or a practical outfit, a rogue must roll a 15 or higher on a d6 or take the most deleterious option available.

Climb: On a successful climb roll, the rogue has climbed onto a nearby item of furniture, crate, fence or other, slightly elevated surface and has begun to pontificate on how the world is wrong and only they know the truth or some such annoying bullshit. They'll probably mention "Sheeple" a few times. It's best to ignore them.

Backstab: Through aggressive narcissism, those around a competent Rogue will be inspired to shove a knife into the rogue's ribs. Whenever the rogue cracks wise at an inappropriate moment, insults the dragon whose aid you are trying to enlist, or what have you, all PCs positioned behind the rogue must save versus Douchebaggery, subtracting the rogue's level from the die roll, or stab the rogue in the back for double damage. If the damage roll is low, the DM will gladly allow one or more re-rolls.

Rogue's Cant: There are a lot of things rogues cant do, to list them all here would be burdensome. If something comes up in your game, unless it involves being irritating or self absorbed, it's probably safe to assume that Rogues cant do it.

Weapons: Telling Rogues which weapons are appropriate for their class only invites them to ignore you. As such, Rogues use only the most esoteric, ineffective weapons available, preferring those that are also difficult to pronounce and cumbersome to carry.