The Rogue Class

As a person who is old enough to remember life before The Simpsons, I am contractually obligated to loathe all post-TSR versions of D&D. Thankfully, the Gizzards of the Roast have made that easy to do for one very specific reason: they changed the Thief class into the "Rogue" class. 

If you're new around here and want to read up on the antipathy all sensible people should  I hold for this choice, click this link. If you don't want to read all that tripe, it boils down to this: rogue is a disposition, not a character class.

That said, "rogues" have been a part of Big D for a long time now and there are entire generations of upstanding nerds who have only known the sneaktastic, lockpicking, wall-climbing class by the name "rogue." They don't see rogue for the bowdlerization that it is. They don't realize that the name "rogue" was genetically fused onto the once-lovable thief class by cross pollinating an embittered, castrated wallaby with a 3 month old tuna sandwich. It's no wonder that rogues in 5e have lost the ability to climb walls and backstab.

"Leave me out of this!"

In an effort to educate these youthful, innocent D&D folk who know not the sneakery of the thief but only the pretentiousness of the rogue, I have developed a character class more in keeping with the title "Rogue."

Rogue Character Class

Solipsistic to the extreme, rogues believe themselves to be misunderstood by everyone and, should you accidentally make eye contact with one, will remind you of this fact volubly. They excel at irritating friend and foe alike and can be counted on only to do what's not expected of them. They are a cancer on adventuring parties everywhere. 

Rogues can perform the following abilities:

Rogue abilities

Chide in Shadows (or elsewhere): Thru insults and antagonistic behavior, a Rogue can make anyone within 30' of them less effective at whatever it is they are trying to achieve. Be it combat, spellcasting, or scoring with the hottie at the tavern, the annoying babble of the Rogue will ruin your chance of success. On a successful Chide roll, the target is -1 for every level of the offending rogue who is antagonizing them.

Move Stridently: Rogues need you to know just how little they care what you think of them. As such, on a successful Move Stridently roll, they move about like a peacock on parade, demonstrating complete disdain for the situation they are in. All sentient beings within 60' must save vs. Irritation or spend their action for the round rolling their eyes in disdain. 

Scoff at traps: Did I mention that rogues do not give a crap? Well, they don't. They're guaranteed to scoff at danger, including whatever traps, real or supposed, might be associated with that treasure chest you've just found. On a successful Scoff roll, the trap has triggered but somehow--and much to the disappointment of everyone--has not affected the rogue.

Ignore Noise: What? You have an opinion on a matter? Rogues don't care! They're rogues; they don't think like you, act like you, or, least of all, dress like you. When offered sound advice, a reasonable plan, or a practical outfit, a rogue must roll a 15 or higher on a d6 or take the most deleterious option available.

Climb: On a successful climb roll, the rogue has climbed onto a nearby item of furniture, crate, fence or other, slightly elevated surface and has begun to pontificate on how the world is wrong and only they know the truth or some such annoying bullshit. They'll probably mention "Sheeple" a few times. It's best to ignore them.

Backstab: Through aggressive narcissism, those around a competent Rogue will be inspired to shove a knife into the rogue's ribs. Whenever the rogue cracks wise at an inappropriate moment, insults the dragon whose aid you are trying to enlist, or what have you, all PCs positioned behind the rogue must save versus Douchebaggery, subtracting the rogue's level from the die roll, or stab the rogue in the back for double damage. If the damage roll is low, the DM will gladly allow one or more re-rolls.

Rogue's Cant: There are a lot of things rogues cant do, to list them all here would be burdensome. If something comes up in your game, unless it involves being irritating or self absorbed, it's probably safe to assume that Rogues cant do it.

Weapons: Telling Rogues which weapons are appropriate for their class only invites them to ignore you. As such, Rogues use only the most esoteric, ineffective weapons available, preferring those that are also difficult to pronounce and cumbersome to carry.