Level Titles: Blogger

Fortunately you don't need a sharp edge
to be a blogger.

I'm on vacation in a place far, far beyond the reach of the internet so please forgive this piece of filler that I wrote up 2 years ago and never bothered to post. See you in the new year! 

Blogger Character Class 

Level    Title    

1          Flatulent Typist  

2          Ingratiating Penster

3          Self-indulgent Hack

4          Poo Flinger

5          Bile Spewer 

6          Axe Grinder

7          Empowered Wingnut  

8          Adulating Gasbag

9          Bloviating Wordsmith

10        Livid Pustule
11        Florid Onanist
12+      Prolapsed Orifice

Level Title Enthusiasts Rejoice: Noobie round up

A while back I did a piece on why I think it odd that first level fighters go by the moniker "Veteran" a term which denotes experience in the field and confers a degree of respect on the recipient; something which first level fighters have, in my opinion, yet to earn.

While some folks agreed with me, several dissenters pointed out that experience in combat is what separates a Fighter from a Normal Man.  It makes sense on a certain level, especially when you consider the game's wargaming roots--everybody in the game was engaged in warfare so something had to set the Fighter apart.

But let's have a look at the n00b status of the other adventuring classes to see how they rate:

First Level Titles by Class:

Young man of fashion.
[EDIT: Young Gallant would
become the inaugural head coach
of the Vegas Golden Knights in 2017,
living up to his Paladin roots.]*

Cleric: Acolyte--Latin for altar boy.
Druid: Aspirant--Keep reaching for the stars, little buddy.
Ranger: Runner--Either a messenger or a member of the cross country team. 
Paladin: Gallant--Webster says: A young man of fashion; a lady's man.  Kind of odd, eh?
Magic User & Illusionist: Prestidigitator--A fancy name for a birthday party magician. 
Thief: Rogue (Apprentice)--While rogue is more of a stance than an occupation, the parenthetical title provides everything we need to know.
Assassin: Bravo (Apprentice)--I did a thing on Bravo a couple of years ago; otherwise as thief above.   
Bard: Probationer--Under the Olde Rules, you had to first rise to 5th-8th level in fighter, start over as a thief and rise to at least 5th-9th level in that field before you could finally call yourself... a probationer.  Don't screw up now or you're finished. 
Monk: Novice--Webster offers a few more synonyms: abecedarian, apprentice, babe, colt, cub, fledgling, freshman, greenhorn, neophyte, newbie, newcomer, beginner, novitiate, punk, recruit, rook, rookie, tenderfoot, tyro, virgin.

As you can see, all the other AD&D character classes--with the possible exception of Paladins--had level titles that bespoke their status as tyros in the field, to which the respectful term "Veteran" stands in stark contrast. 

* EDIT 2: He would switch class in 2021 to become a Ranger.

Level Titles: Fighter

It has always bothered me that the level title for a first level fighter is “Veteran” considering that this is exactly what a 1^st level fighter is not. I've never served in the military, but I do know that the term veteran is reserved for those who've actually seen some action. Sure, veteran isn't as awe-inspiring as terms like hero, champion or–ahem—Myrmidon, but it still deserves more respect than 1^st level accords it. For that reason, until someone comes up with a better term I am doctoring my PHB to look like this:

That is all.

Bilbo: Proto-thief

Having recently re-read The Hobbit in commemoration of the 30th anniversary of my first traipse through Middle Earth I can't help but note the wealth of game-related goodies that this book has to offer novice role-players--such as I was back in '81.  One obvious and much- discussed notion is Bilbo as the proto-type for the thief class.  Sure, Cudgel, Gray Mouser, et al.'s fingerprints are all over the class, but I didn't read about their endeavors until much later; Bilbo was my first literary source for the thief.  

Much of the arguing about Bilbo as thief has to do with what he actually did (flubbed the pocket picking, relied on a nifty ring, pissed off the dragon), but bear in mind that this was his first gig, he got by only because of ample shares of luck, cleverness, and hobbitly stealth.  But what is more important to take away from the book is what the expectations of a thief, burglar, or expert treasure hunter were, not how well Bilbo lived up to them.  Following are a few pertinent items from Chapter I "An Unexpected Party" and II "Roast Mutton" that helped my 11 year old brain figure out why a thief was someone you wanted to hang out with:

p. 33--Gandalf justifying why he has selected Bilbo for the party:

"[Entering through the front gate of the Lonely Mountain] would be no good... not without a mighty Warrior, even a Hero. I tried to find one; but warriors are busy fighting one another in distant lands, and in this neighborhood heroes are scarce or simply not to be found... That is why I settled on burglary--especially when I remembered the existence of a Side-door." 

Here Gandalf differentiates the basic focus of thievery--obstacles are circumvented by stealth--from warriors and heroes who confront obstacles with force of arms to accomplish their goals.

Note: The titles "Warrior" and "Hero" refer to distinct grades of adventurer, a precursor to level titles.  Also note that the statement presumes that the dwarves themselves are neither warriors nor heroes, leaving us wondering yet again what is their value to the venture.

p. 38--Thorin to Bilbo, still uncertain of the hobbit's qualifications as the party breaks up for the evening:

"Aren't you the burglar? And isn't sitting on the door-step your job, not to speak of getting inside the door?  ...I like six eggs with my ham when starting on a journey; fried not poached, and mind you don't break 'em." 

Here Thorin suggests that a burglar should be a capable heist planner, lock picker, and short order cook.

p. 46--Bilbo, having snuck up on the trolls eating their mutton, ponders what he should do:

"A really first class and legendary burglar would at this point have picked the trolls' pockets... pinched the very mutton off the spits, purloined the beer, and walked off without their noticing him.  Others more practical but with less professional pride would perhaps have stuck a dagger into each of them before they observed it."

From this we can gather that a professional burglar--in Middle Earth at any rate--was expected to provide expertise in sneaking about, pilfering things, and, when necessary, doling out the expeditious knife in the back.  Really not too different from our D&D chums. 

It is also noteworthy that despite Bilbo's nefarious title he, in fact, was a pretty hono(u)rable little guy.  He didn't steal from his friends* and certainly didn't practice his burglary in civilized environs; it was a skillset which was put to use only in the adventure setting.  It was for this reason that I never felt any qualms about ignoring EGG's claim in the PHB that thieves must be either evil or neutral.  Honorable thieves, as exemplified by Bilbo, could exist; they just knew when to keep it in their pants.
 
* Yes, he swiped the Arkenstone--or at least he hid the fact that he had found it--and then furtively delivered it to the men of Esgaroth, but Thorin was being dangerously unreasonable at the time and severely needed a boot to the head.

Assassination Culmination

All right, I'm going to skip over levels 10-14 until such time as I can find a reason to chat about the terms Expert, Senior, Chief, Prime or Guildmaster as they apply to Assassinry.   So hold on to your dice bags kiddies 'cuz we're going straight to the top: Grandfather of Assassins.

As was mentioned previously, the word assassins was first used to describe a fanatical cult in Persia from the middle ages.  The founder of this cult was Hassan-i-Sabbah, who, by shacking up in his mountain castle, earned the title Sheik al Jebal which translates to "Prince of the mountain" or, the preferred term in this case, "Old Man of the Mountain."*  This old man was the original Grandfather of Assassins; a single person who ruled over the entire order of death bringers.  But unlike the D&D usage, though eh is responsible for numerous murders, he was not a professional killer and very likely he never killed anyone with his own hand.  Rather, he was the dude with the charisma to charm you into devoting your life to the cause, and also the dude to tell you when the cause needed you to take action and whack some mo' fo' who'd talked trash about your cult.

* Alternatively, there are sources that say that it was the leader of the Syrian branch who was referred to as the Old Man of the Mountain.  

This dude is also, allegedly, the grandfather of the mystic cult phenomenon; the Crusaders, and particularly the Knights Templar, took what they learned about the Order of Assassins  back to Europe and thus was born the culty trappings we now associate with mystic groups still extant such as the Freemasons, Illuminati, Rosicrucians, and the American Institute of Architects.   

For those interested in further reading, there's a novel titled Alamut written by the Slovenian author Vladimir Bartol that is based on the cult of Assassins and the treachery of Hassan-i-Sabbah.  Published in 1938, the book was translated into 18 languages and has achieved bestseller status in Spain and France, but it was not translated into English until 2004.  A few pages into it and I wish they had taken a few more years to work on that translation.  One gets the sense that the poor fellow approached the translation as if he were transcribing legal documents, not reconstructing linguistic subtleties to convey a narrative... or whatever.  The result is repetitive use of simplistic sentence structures which make for very tedious reading.  Despite its subject matter, it seems like it was written for children.  Brush up on your Spanish or French--or, better yet, your Slovenian--if you really wanna read this one.

Assassination Origination

So the inspiration of this here string of posts on the AD&D Assassin class level titles is finally at hand; we've reached the eponymous 9th level: Assassin.


The word assassin is derived from the word Hashshashin, a term used in Syria--not the Lendore Isles as some would have you believe--to describe a fanatical sect of Islam called the Ismailis who were a small but troublesome religious/political force in the 11th-13th centuries.   Lacking a powerful army and considered heretics by the Muslim establishment of the day, the Ismailis holed up in a few castles in an isolated valley in northern Persia and dissuaded their numerically superior enemies from invading by murdering key political figures.  Though the cult was centered in the mountains of Persia, the term assassin is believed to have come about in reference to the Syrian branch of the group that the Crusaders came in contact with.  Hashshashin means "outcast" or "rabble" but also was associated with users of the psychotropic herb hashish.  And although most Assassin scholars believe that it is its meaning as a pejorative term for outcasts that originally inspired the application of the word, the western world has latched onto that hashish connection and had a blast with it ever since.

Anyway, the cult was formed by a man named Hassan-i-Sabbah, among other spellings, who took control of an impregnable castle known as Alamut, and gathered around himself a throng of devoted followers who were willing to obey his every command.  They were trained  in the fine arts of duplicity and sent out into the world to gain the trust of various persons of interest to the Assassins, usually folks with titles like Sultan, Vizier, or Imam.  Once they'd inveigled their way into the homes of these dudes as household servants, body guards, or even trusted advisers, they lived a life of faithful service to them, never betraying their origins until such day that the signal came from Alamut, at which point they would cram a dagger through their erstwhile compadre's ribs.  They often kept up their ruse for years or even decades and, depending on how things worked out, the signal might never come.  Deep cover, my friends.  Indeed, there is very early usage of the word assassin that implies not a hired killer but a person of unsurpassed devotion.

Once the devotee had done the deed, the assassin did not generally slink away into the night; no, getting caught was, more often than not, part of the job.  By submitting to capture and execution, the assassins did more than just kill the leaders of their enemies; the combination of their skill at subterfuge and complete devotion wreaked havoc on their enemies psyches as well.  A culture of paranoia spread like wildfire, and speaking out--much less taking military action--against the Assassins soon fell into disfavor. 

Most of the useful information in this post is derived from the book The Assassins by Bernard Lewis, originally published in 1968 by Basic Books, Inc.  New York.  It's a somewhat scholarly tome describing the religious and political events of Islamic world during the time of the Assassins.  Also, the wikipedia entry for Hashshashin is pretty informative.

Assassination Irritation: Twofer

It's been more than 2 weeks now since my last entry on the assassin level titles, and--despite the fact that at least one person has confirmed interest in this topic, thank you--there's a good reason for the delay: cutthroat and executioner.  Everyone knows what they mean, there's nothing particularly interesting about the etymology of these terms and, most importantly, every time I look for an intriguing cultural reference, I fall asleep at my keyboard.

But rather than avoid them forever--especially since I've already written up level 9--I'll lump them both down in one dose and move on with life.

Cutthroat: a race of sharp throated people.  The men of this tribe were known to hone their throats to such fineness that they used them to shave.  Or whiddle implements from wood.  Also the name of an arts journal.

Executioner: one who wears a black hood but no shirt.

Actually, this one is mildly interesting because it really just meant someone who carries out some action, much like how "executor" is used today to describe the guy who carries out your will after you go off to Valhalla.  In time it came to be primarily associated with executing a sentence of death on whatever poor sap/evil cutthroat whose head was to be relegated to the wicker basket. 

On a related note, my first AD&D character was an elf named Elfrandel the Executor.  In my defense, I pronounced it "ex-uh-cuter" instead of the more traditional "egg-zek-you-ter." 

I only just now found out that Executor is also the name of one of those big space ships that those dudes who got choked by Darth Vader drove around in.  And George Lucas was probably not 11 when he named them.

Assassination Constipation: Dynamite with a lazer beam

Despite the fact that no one gives a rat's ass, I continue to nibble away at the AD&D Assassin class level titles one by one, week by creeping, tiresome week.  Now here we are at level 6: Killer.  Up there with murderer in terms of originality, but it's got more juice to it.  While a murderer can be any amateur who kills someone for any reason, a killer is someone who's practiced at it and perhaps even enjoys it.  Indeed, "killer" has taken on the meaning of adroitness at some particular skill, a la "lady killer."

Also, it's the name of a live action role playing game by Steve Jackson.

Now, I could have have been really lazy and kept in the hockey theme and used Killer Carlson as my pop culture connection, but that seems kinda' trite.  Instead, here's Freddy Mercury for ya:

Assassination Apparition: Thug

So we're up to Level 5: Thug.  To research today's post, rather than read up on the cult of Thuggee that plagued travelers in India for centuries by infiltrating caravans and then, when the time was right, murdering them to a man and making off with their goods, I spent the better part of the afternoon watching hockey fights on Youtube.  You just can't go wrong with Bob Probert, may his fists rest in peace. The consummate professional, he never looked back from a fight; once the last punch was thrown he just skated off and did his time.  You definitely got the impression that the fighting was never personal, and this is important to consider if you're entering the assassin trade.  It's a business; you take the job, you do the work, you move on.  A detached sense of morality is crucial.


Two of the heavy weights:







If you are interested in the Thuggee cult, check out Pierce Brosnan in The Deceivers, or, if you're one o' them literary types, read the book of the same name--written by John Masters--upon which the film was based.  I actually watched this movie a few years ago whilst on a Brosnan bender that included Matador--a great movie on the topic of assassins.

Assassination Amoritization: Murther most foul!

"Congratulations my son, your latest accomplishment has merited advancement to the 4th level of assassinry," says the Guildmaster, "you are now--wait for it--a Murderer!"
"Murderer?!  I paste the innards of the heir-apparent all over the Baron's private bed chamber and I get to be a character in an Agatha Christie novel?  This guild is for douchebags.  I'm outta' here!"


For further reading: Ray Bradbury's prescient--if non-assassin-based--short story of technology-induced sensory overload, "The Murderer."  Nah, don't bother.  I mean it's all right but nothing special.

I'll try again tomorrow with Thug; much more meat there.

Assassination Edification: What the eff is a "waghalter"?

Waghalter: one likely to be hanged (obs.)  As in they will wag (like a dogs tail) from a halter (noose).  Kinda' grisly, eh?

Actually, the term "Wag"--which is still occasionally used to describe a prankster--is derived from waghalter.  Extra grisly.

And on a cultural note: Ignatz Waghalter was a classical composer of the early-mid 20th century.  He did not, as far as Wikipedia indicates, meet his end at the gallows.  Though, being a Jew working in Berlin during the 1930s, he was forced to flee the country; he lived out his last years in NYC.

Assassination Fascination: Rutterkin?

Devoid of the context of D&D, I might have guessed that a rutterkin is either the object or the outcome of hillbilly love.  It seems highly unlikely, however, that Gygax was inspired to name 2nd level assassins after a viewing of  "Deliverance."  Still, I suspect that rutterkin is derived from literature; probably some murderous antagonist by some Appendix N author. 

However, one of the only sources Google could dredge up that was not some demon from Latter Day D&D was this bit from Wikipedia: Rutterkin was the name of the cat/familiar that the witches of Belvoir used to kill the Earl of So-and-So in Merry old England back in the 16th or 17th century.  While this is applicable in some regards--the cat was an agent of death--I'm still guessing EGG was not inspired by an ensorceled cat.

And while Webster was no help on this one--neither the online version nor my hefty New Universal Unabridged from 1979--The Free Dictionary came up with "an old crafty fox or beguiler."  And that, I fear, might be it.

Also, there was an episode of an old, British Robin Hood series from the 80s (not the current British Robin Hood series) titled Rutterkin. 

And another aside: the star of this series was a young man named Jason Connery, the son of James Freakin' Bond!

Assassination Obuscation: Johnny Bravo

Herein I shall, in serial fashion, scatter random thoughts on the level titles of the Lethalist class.

Assassin Level 1--Bravo.

As we all know, bravo is a somewhat pretentious synonym for "hooray!" and its ilk.  Webster also reminds us that it means "hired killer; assassin; desperado."  Perhaps because of the dual meaning of the word, bravo has connotations of showiness; a guy who goes out of his way to let his badassedness be known in order to enhance his image and, presumably, get more chicks.  Sort of the anti-ninja.


A trip over to Wikipedia reveals that bravi was a term for the hired goons of the Dons of northern Italy during the 16th & 17th centuries.  Said bravi are featured prominently in the 19th c. novel The Betrothed by Alessandro Manzoni.  One more for the reading list.


Side note:  Thieves and assassins of 1st level are listed as "Apprentice (rogue)" and "Apprentice (bravo)." Probably this has to do with the guild system which both classes adhere to, but it stands in stark contrast to the paradoxical level title of 1st level fighters: "Veteran"