The Rogue Class

As a person who is old enough to remember life before The Simpsons, I am contractually obligated to loathe all post-TSR versions of D&D. Thankfully, the Gizzards of the Roast have made that easy to do for one very specific reason: they changed the Thief class into the "Rogue" class. 

If you're new around here and want to read up on the antipathy all sensible people should  I hold for this choice, click this link. If you don't want to read all that tripe, it boils down to this: rogue is a disposition, not a character class.

That said, "rogues" have been a part of Big D for a long time now and there are entire generations of upstanding nerds who have only known the sneaktastic, lockpicking, wall-climbing class by the name "rogue." They don't see rogue for the bowdlerization that it is. They don't realize that the name "rogue" was genetically fused onto the once-lovable thief class by cross pollinating an embittered, castrated wallaby with a 3 month old tuna sandwich. It's no wonder that rogues in 5e have lost the ability to climb walls and backstab.

"Leave me out of this!"

In an effort to educate these youthful, innocent D&D folk who know not the sneakery of the thief but only the pretentiousness of the rogue, I have developed a character class more in keeping with the title "Rogue."

Rogue Character Class

Solipsistic to the extreme, rogues believe themselves to be misunderstood by everyone and, should you accidentally make eye contact with one, will remind you of this fact volubly. They excel at irritating friend and foe alike and can be counted on only to do what's not expected of them. They are a cancer on adventuring parties everywhere. 

Rogues can perform the following abilities:

Rogue abilities

Chide in Shadows (or elsewhere): Thru insults and antagonistic behavior, a Rogue can make anyone within 30' of them less effective at whatever it is they are trying to achieve. Be it combat, spellcasting, or scoring with the hottie at the tavern, the annoying babble of the Rogue will ruin your chance of success. On a successful Chide roll, the target is -1 for every level of the offending rogue who is antagonizing them.

Move Stridently: Rogues need you to know just how little they care what you think of them. As such, on a successful Move Stridently roll, they move about like a peacock on parade, demonstrating complete disdain for the situation they are in. All sentient beings within 60' must save vs. Irritation or spend their action for the round rolling their eyes in disdain. 

Scoff at traps: Did I mention that rogues do not give a crap? Well, they don't. They're guaranteed to scoff at danger, including whatever traps, real or supposed, might be associated with that treasure chest you've just found. On a successful Scoff roll, the trap has triggered but somehow--and much to the disappointment of everyone--has not affected the rogue.

Ignore Noise: What? You have an opinion on a matter? Rogues don't care! They're rogues; they don't think like you, act like you, or, least of all, dress like you. When offered sound advice, a reasonable plan, or a practical outfit, a rogue must roll a 15 or higher on a d6 or take the most deleterious option available.

Climb: On a successful climb roll, the rogue has climbed onto a nearby item of furniture, crate, fence or other, slightly elevated surface and has begun to pontificate on how the world is wrong and only they know the truth or some such annoying bullshit. They'll probably mention "Sheeple" a few times. It's best to ignore them.

Backstab: Through aggressive narcissism, those around a competent Rogue will be inspired to shove a knife into the rogue's ribs. Whenever the rogue cracks wise at an inappropriate moment, insults the dragon whose aid you are trying to enlist, or what have you, all PCs positioned behind the rogue must save versus Douchebaggery, subtracting the rogue's level from the die roll, or stab the rogue in the back for double damage. If the damage roll is low, the DM will gladly allow one or more re-rolls.

Rogue's Cant: There are a lot of things rogues cant do, to list them all here would be burdensome. If something comes up in your game, unless it involves being irritating or self absorbed, it's probably safe to assume that Rogues cant do it.

Weapons: Telling Rogues which weapons are appropriate for their class only invites them to ignore you. As such, Rogues use only the most esoteric, ineffective weapons available, preferring those that are also difficult to pronounce and cumbersome to carry.

Rogue Rant: Suck it!

No, not her.

Like most of you, I like to pretend that I don't give a crap about the edition wars; as if they're beneath me and all that. Yet also like you, I actually prefer the older, mustier versions of the game to those 21st century editions that the kids are rabid about these days.

That's where our similarities end, however, because unlike you I've actually found indisputable evidence to support my personal bias. You see, post-Gygaxian versions of D&D are objectively inferior for one simple reason: the Rogue. Introduced, I believe, in the much-vaunted 2nd edition of Advanced Big D [EDIT: it was 3rd ed., not 2nd {EDIT EDIT: I've now been informed that rogue was introduced as an archetype in 2nd ed. but not a class, whatever that means <EDIT EDIT EDIT: Now I'm being told that Rogue was a "group" in AD&D2, not an archetype. Did this ever have any value?>}], rogues are essentially thieves with a coat of paint to give them somewhat less illegitimacy.  Or something.  

I don't really know why they changed the name, but I do know that it has been scientifically proven that any edition of D&D that includes a class titled "Rogue"--regardless of any other merits it may have--is clearly the product of an inferior mind and should be derided mercilessly at every opportunity excepting only those situations when simply ignoring it seems more palatable.

I can almost rationalize why TSR [EDIT: it was Wizards, not TSR] might have decided to change the thief moniker--presumably cuz of its criminal baggage--this was around the same time that the title of Deities & Demigods was changed to Legumes & Lorries after all [EDIT: Actually it was much later than this].  But rogue?  Couldn't you try not to suck so bad at naming stuff?  Sure, thieves, by definition, tend to steal stuff; that could be kinda' off-putting to some.  But at least "thief" points to a skill set that has potential value in a dungeon setting.  Rogue, however, is just a disposition of scoundreliness. While that may be fun to run in the tavern, what the fug good is that gonna do a party of adventurers?  Who needs a jaunty-capped seducer of barmaids when your six levels deep in the Acrid Tomb of Malcontents?

DM: The chamber is filled by a viscous, burbling, black blob; it reeks overpoweringly of vomit and strychnine and seems to be sliming its way toward you.  What do you do?
Roger the Rogue: I flash my most menacing grin and offer a defiant witticism.
DM: Ok, roll against your "Crack Wise in the Face of Danger" ability.  While you've got your 20-sider handy go ahead and make a save vs. flesh-eating bile.  

Truly though, the term rogue has come to mean an outlier, someone who lives beyond the norms of society, who is possessed of an attitude of nonconformity.  While definitely more open ended than "thief," this makes no sense at all as the name of a character class.  What you have is a class that specializes in not doing what's expected of it.  While there's no reason that you can't count on a well appellated thief to climb walls, decrypt codes, or defuse bombs for the good of the party, all you can expect from your rogue is that s/he/y's going to give you lip if you ask them to do something:

Fred the Fighter: I try to open the door on the west wall.
DM: It's locked.
[The rest of the party looks meaningfully at the "Rogue"]
Rachel the Rogue:  Stick it ya' buncha' hosebags, I'm not your lapdog. [Leaps onto a nearby table sending crockery flying and raises a fist in the air]  Fight the power!

Rogues v. Thieves

Some of you may be aware that I occasionally write about Castles and Crusades (C&C); everyone's favorite 21st century version of AD&D that isn't HackMaster (4th edition). Published by Tolllords in 2004, C&C replaced the clunky 1st ed. table-drive game mechanism with a sporty 3e cylinder d20 valve engine and ascending AC, providing a streamlined chassis for modern gaming. However, the Trolllords also adopted the unsightly "rogue" nomenclature for the thiefly class. This act has put them on the wrong side of history ever since. 

In an effort to rectify this misstep, in their recently (sort of) published Unearthed Arcana--excuse me, Adventurer's Backpack--tome they included a new "Thief" class that is pretty much identical to the Rogue. Throughout the history of this blog I have gone to great lengths to explain why the term "Rogue" is the worst thing to happen to thieves since d4 hit dice. But with this publication we finally have the chance to settle the matter within the game itself. 

While the two classes as written up in the C&C PHB and Unearthed Backpack tomes are very nearly identical, there are some minor differences. What follows is a side by side comparison of all the various class abilities and features that apply to thieves and their ill-gotten cousins.  

  

By the bye, BtH = "Bonus to Hit". 5e players might equate this to proficiency, but only as it pertains to strike chance.

In conclusion, thieves do double damage from all rear attacks, regardless of whether the target knows you're there, and, starting at first level, they are able to move silently whilst simultaneously hiding while the lowly rogue must wait until 3rd to achieve such sneakery. Furthermore, thieves can escape from non-magical bonds (which could include stocks), speak and understand Cant whilst wearing metal armor, and have more rapid combat advancement. However, all of these advantages clearly preclude thieves from adhering to a "good" alignment or wielding sickles and maces. Sad, right?

Rogues, on the other hand, are good at cheap-shotting unsuspecting targets; an ability that just screams Lawful Good.  So if you really want a Goodly aligned thief who excels at the sucker punch and can wield a broad sword, then Rogue is for you. Otherwise, thieves are the better option.